The Feast

Very loosely based in the Cthulhu mythos of H.P. Lovecraft. Illustrated by the art of Zdzislaw Beksinski.



What makes the grass grow?

Myths:

War: The virus invades the cell. The bee pollinates the flower. The shark consumes his brother whilst still in the womb. The spider eats her mate and the children eat their mother. This is love.

What makes the grass grow?

Man holds his voice up to the sky: Behold! I have become the lord of the Earth. Does not my stomach encompass the world? I stand upright above all the other animals. I eat all but nothing eats me. I alone, hold the knowledge of good and evil and the power to decide who lives and who dies. See these cows? They are mine. They live because I choose that they live and because I am hungry, they die. Am I not a god?

And the grave-worm laughed.

* * *

Like a teardrop falling from the heavens the craft traces a downward arc across the alien sky enveloped in the glow of atmospheric friction. It slides down from the stratosphere, the parachutes bloom open and the module feathers down to the martian surface.

Settled down in the dust, the landing craft opens its mouth and extrudes its tongue. A catterpillar wheeled buggy lurches out into the sand blown mesa and angles toward a mountain in the distance.



The ground trembles and groans and a tear opens in the world - a schism that reaches out to them from the foot of the eminence. The crack yawns open, beckoning to them, welcoming their entry. They descend into it.

As they go deeper they become aware of massive skeletal things reaching out from the cliff faces, as if trying to escape from the rock. Now, in front of them, they are piled in their multitudes. They are giant things, like the leviathans of earth's prehistory, but of too many bones, as if parts of different organisms have been fused together into singular abominations.

Soon, the cosmonauts come within sight of their destination: A piece of alien architecture that breaks out from the precipice at the end of the canyon. The shape of it resembles that of a gothic cathedral, though of decidedly unholy aspect and of dimensions dwarfing anything human. The construction of the frame, somewhat eroded by the passing of the ages, is a grotesque carcass of bony scaffolding, echoing the delicti heaped up in front of the temple. Adding to the aura of death and decay, the alien shrine is suffocated in some kind of fossilized fungal growth: A latticework of mycelial cords that clings to everything and enormous mushroom bulbs that sprout up the sides of the towers like cancerous growths.




When the rover can get no further through the mess they abandon it and continue on foot. As they go onwards they find themselves having to struggle through remains that are now hideously regenerating flesh, pieces knitting themselves together. The human mind is not made for contact with such things but they do not recoil in horror as you would expect, their minds being emptied of any thought but of reaching that infernal abode. So they go on through the madness, scrambling through the gore, hypnotised by the call emanating from the sacellum, its presence only grows stronger with every step, it pulls at their blood, which pulses in their veins, crying out for communion.

As they climb atop and stumble through those heaped mounds of undeath, one man slips in the muck, his face lands on a protruding rib and his head depressurizes inside his helmet. His companions are oblivious, drowned in their fevered delirium they merely clamber onward.

Their pilgrimage is not yet complete when they finally arrive at the bottom of the enormous steps which lead up to their final destination. The steps are of immense stone blocks, far too large for human feet so that they have to climb laboriously from one step to the next.

After much effort they finally surmount the last step and they find themselves facing a massive doorway that reaches far up above them. The surface of the stone doors are covered in strange reliefs, alien heiroglyphs, which, as the men gaze in revery, begin to change shape, morphing in a nauseating kaleidoscopic fashion. An hallucinatory slideshow of images is unfolding before them. Some intelligence has reached into their minds and is revealing to them its histories in its terrible cosmic narrative.

It tells them of the Elder Things arrival here when the sun was young; Of their black science: The experiments and surgeries performed in their shadow labs, the creation of their servants and their pets. It tells them of the Earth and how these entities tilled the land, sowing the seeds of life as a farmer sows his crop, how, on time scales measurable only in aeons, they did first by mass destruction but proceeded to do with more exacting methods: By gentle coppicing, weeding and selective pruning, they shaped the tree of life into a chalice for their wine.

In its hunger it salivates inside their minds as it suckles on the milk of their dreams and memories, and of course, the sweet fear that now courses through every fibre of their beings. It shows to them its view of the world. It is a vantage that could best be described as a cook looking down at the lobster in his pot but its appetites being quite beyond mere flesh: It craves the ripeness of civilization, all that stored energy of the human spirit. They can feel its anticipation at sinking its teeth into the cities, snapping the bones of human endeavour and sucking at the marrow of a thriving culture.




Now it shows them what is to come: Mankind will be strung up and bled of its humanity. Being good, organic farmers, and not wasteful, that which is not eaten will be used as fertilizer for the next crop cycle. They see the furnaces of the rape-camps for the human soul powering the over-entropy engines of oblivion.

Now, these heroes amongst men, these supposed conquerors of worlds, fall to their knees as their brains rupture to the orgasm of horrific revelation; Eyes, ears, noses and mouths stream blood as it evacuates through what orifice it can find; Bowels open as organs try to escape the body. Their hollowed out minds are sucked dry like the last of the milk shake or the emptied juice-box.

The doors have now been replaced by an un-mirror of dark matter. And all around them now, the horrors are shaking off their slumber and rising from their graves, with the hunger of their long rest...

Joanna's final fanfiction

This fan fiction is based on a Bible story.

 As Jacob’s first wife, Leah felt that she was never loved by Jacob, just because she wasn’t a pretty lady; Jacob realized that he had loved Leah for many years but he just never had a chance to let her know.

Sometime, we always neglect the person next to us, because we think they are always there. Not until one day they have left we realize how much we love them. But it might be too late to tell them.

So why don’t we start to treasure the person next to us from today?

Jacob, do you love me?

Chapter one

I am Leah, the first wife of Jacob; Rachel is my younger sister. She is the second wife of Jacob. Jacob loves Rachel more than me, because Rachel is prettier than me.

I have been married Jacob over 50 years now, and I have given birth to 7 kids. For all these years, Jacob has never said that he loves me. It must be my own fault. I can’t forgive myself: maybe I shouldn’t prevent him from marrying my sister Rachel.

I still remember the day when my father Laban asked me to marry Jacob how shock I was. I told him that I was not going to marry Jacob because I knew he loved Rachel. But my father said,

" Leah, you have to marry Jacob, because it is not our culture that the younger one get married before the older."

 I tried to persuade my father, but eventually I agreed with him. Not only because I had to be submissive to my father as our culture, but also I found myself fell in love with Jacob. That was my secret.

My father was cunning, and I was blinded by love.

It was terrible when Jacob woke up and realized the person lied-down with him was me!

“Rachel! Where is my Rachel? What did you do to me?!”

I will never forget his angry face. All these years I tried my best to let him forgive me, but I failed. When Rachel was here, he hardly came to my tent unless I beg him. After Rachel died, he moved his love to Joseph-Rachel’s first son. Joseph became his beloved son among all 12 sons. One day, he collected hundreds colorful sheepskins and made him a beautiful coat. And because of Joseph's death he locked himself in the room for month.

All of these, I just accepted. The little wish in me is that one day Jacob will come to me and give me a kiss, telling me that he loves me. Maybe it is not like the way he loved my sister but at least a part of his love. That will be enough for me.

I have been waiting for 50 years. Now I am tired. I can’t wait anymore. Maybe, he has still remembered how father and I had cheated him, and how he had to work for another extra 7 years because of me?

“O, Jacob, I didn’t mean to cheat you. It’s not because that I have to listen to my father. It is because I fell in love with you even when I first see you...”

 I wish Jacob could hear my whisper.

But it is too late; I am too tired to wait for him…

"Bye -, my love."


Chapter 2

I am Jacob, the husband of Leah and Rachel. I fell in love with Rachel at first, because she has a good looking. But I married to Leah first instead of Rachel because the father cheated me.

I think it was not Leah’s fault, she is such a simple soft girl, I know she had no choice; she had to be submissive to her father.

Everyone knows that I loved Rachel very much. Yes, she was pretty. Every morning, she went to the river to wash her long hair, and do make up for her face. Of course, she had no time prepare meals for the kids. In the most afternoon, Rachel would go around house to house, and talk about what she heard from the market or about the new dress with her girlfriends.

 Leah was opposite, she was not as pretty as Rachel, but she looked calm and joyful all the time. She loved all the children; also she was good at cooking. In the most afternoon, she would gather all the children, reading a story to them, teaching those making crafts. After that, she gave them some delicious blueberry muffin. I could still remember the beautiful smell in those lovely afternoons. The kids loved that. When the kids were screaming, jumping, put cream on each other’s face, I could see joyful smiles on Leah’s face.

After Rachel died, I spent lots time with Joseph, because he was a lovely child, I even made a nice coat for him using all colorful sheepskins. 

But Joseph died too. They told me that beasts had eaten him. For a long time, I was really mourning for him. I stayed at my own room, did not want to do anything, and see anybody. But I knew Leah came to my tent every morning and evening. Sometime, she left a few fresh apples by the door; sometime it was chicken soup with fresh mushroom.
I didn’t do anything for a long while; Leah looked after all 13 children by herself. I know it must be hard on her, but she never complained.

I wanted to tell Leah that I love her many times, but I always think maybe next time, since she was always here.
But now it is too late for me to tell her, she has gone.

If I have another chance I will tell her,

 “Leah, sorry for so many years, I have never told you that I love you, even more than Rachel. I think you know my heart. You have been so kind to me and to the kids. In troubles in difficulties, I can always rely on you. You have been praying for me all the time. Without you, I just can’t pass through all these situations."

I wish Leah could hear me.

The end

The Feast (draft)

Loosely based in the Cthulhu mythos of H.P. Lovecraft Illustrated by the art of Zdzislaw Beksinski.

What force was it that made our ancestors quit the ocean? What pushed them to climb out onto the land and grow larger? Was it perhaps out of fear of the horrors down there in the depths: The things of tendril and chela and mandible? Did they flee in panic from the violence of the abyss to crawl on solid ground, the strong biting at the heels of the weak as they escaped toward the light and out of the soup?

But the brutality of life goes on. The relentless competition over food, sex and territory. Everwhere it is written: Life is war. The violence is all around us, and within us. It drives us. The history of life is the history of this war and it is not merely written by the victors but written with the blood of the vanquished. From the virus invading the eukaryote to the barbarian hordes raping and pillaging down the dark epochs. We, the living, are the surviving mutants of the holocaust of evolution.

Disgusted with this way of things civilization was born as a revolt against nature. Men wished to free themselves from the shackles of life and place their dominion over it. They took seed and planted it in the ground and they watered it with the blood of their neighbour. The growth of cities demanded an ever growing supply of resources. Tyrants developed the mega-machines of slavery and war. Mankind spread like a plague upon the earth and their appetite could not be satisfied. There was nothing to hold the population in check and with the globalisation of humanity the cities became ever more crowded. So men and women came to look to the stars, seeking new sanctuary.

* * *

It was like a teardrop falling from the heavens. Enveloped in the glow of atmospheric re-entry the craft traced a downward arc across the alien sky. It slid down from the stratosphere and the parachutes bloomed into life, the module feathering down to the martian surface.

Settled down in the dust, the landing craft opened its mouth and extruded its tongue. A catterpillar wheeled buggy lurched out into the sand blown mesa. The three cosmonauts dwelt in silence. Before them rose the pile. The dark mountain greeted them with malignant immplacability as they angled towards it under a hostile sky.



The world trembled and groaned as a schism reached out from the foot of the eminence. The crack yawned open, beckoning their entry. A strange glow rose up from the scar, a shifting aurora of sickening colors. The strange hues of the auroral anomaly seemed to creep into the compartment with them as they descended into the rift. As they went deeper, they became aware of massive skeletal things reaching out from the cliff faces, as if trying to escape from the rock. Giant things like the leviathans of earth's prehistory but of too many bones, as if parts of different organisms had been fused into singular abominations. Now, in front of them, they were piled in their multitudes.

The cosmonauts were in sight of their destination. A piece of alien architecture broke out fom the precipice at the end of the canyon. The shape of it resembled that of a gothic cathedral, though of decidedly unholy aspect and of dimensions dwarfing anything human. The construction of the frame, somewhat eroded by the passing of the ages, was a grotesque carcass of bony scaffolding, echoing the delicti that was heaped up in front of the temple. Adding to the aura of death and decay, the alien shrine and the area surrounding were suffocated in some kind of fossilized fungal growth. A latticework of mycelial cords clung to everything and enormous mushroom bulbs sprouted up the sides of the towers like cancerous growths.




When the rover could get no further through the mess they abandoned it and continued on foot. Everywhere were strewn bone piles and stone ruins; black obelisks and sacrificial alters. As they went onwards they had to struggle on through remains that were now hideously regenerating flesh, pieces knitting themselves together. Yet they bore on through the madness, scrambling through the gore, hypnotised by the call emanating from the sacellum. Its presence grew stronger with every step, crying out for communion.

Their pilgrimage was only half complete when they eventually arrived at the bottom of the enormous steps which led up to an alien god's doorway. The stairs were of stone blocks too large for human feet and they had to climb laboriously from one step to the next, crawling all the way. One man slipped and stumbled in the muck, he tumbled down into a chest cavity. his face landing impaled on an up-thrust rib. The others showed no sign of noticing, merely clambering onwards.

Finally they stand before the massive doors; Finding the surface of the stone covered in strange reliefs - alien heiroglyphs - which, as the men gazed in revery, begin to change shape, morphing in a nauseating kaleidoscopic fashion; An hallucinatory slideshow of images unfolded behind their eyes. Some intelligence has reached into their minds and was revealing to them its histories in its terrible cosmic narrative.

It tells them of the elder things arrival here when the sun was young; Of their black science, the experiments and surgeries performed in their shadow labs, the creation of their servants and their pets. It tells them of the earth and how these entities tilled the land, sowing the seeds of life as a farmer sows his crop; How, on time scales, measurable only in aeons they did first by mass destruction but proceeded to do with more exacting methods: By coppicing, weeding and selective pruning, they shaped the tree of life into a chalice for their wine.

It shows them, in its hunger, salivating inside their brains as it suckles on the milk of their dreams and memories, its view of the world: a vantage that could best be described as a cook looking down at the lobster in his pot. But its appetites are quite beyond mere flesh. It craves the ripeness of civilization; All that stored energy of the human spirit. They can feel its anticipation at sinking its teeth into the cities, snapping the bones of human endeavour and sucking at the marrow of a thriving culture.




Now it shows them what is to come: Mankind will be strung up and bled of its humanity. The flesh and bones will be collected for the engineering of new monstrosities, the waste ground up for fertilizer. They see the furnaces of the rape-camps for the human soul powering the over-entropy engines of oblivion.

Presently, a sound, like a demonic chorus, vibrates through the world, signalling the opening of the gate. The stone doors have been replaced by an un-mirror of dark matter and all around now, the horrors are shaking off their slumber and rising from their graves, with the hunger of their long rest...

* * *

As a post script, I wrote the original of this story when I was here in 2010 before I had an unfortunate accident and had to withdraw. The original was entitled "Deep Sky Horizon" to evoke the Gulf Oil Spill that was then happening. Before I started writing, my idea was to base it on earth and have Cthulhu awoken as the result of drilling operations.

Now, it would be silly to think that the writers of South Park stole my idea but in November 2010, there appeared on US television a three episode arc of South Park in which that is the exact premise.

Anyway, this weekend I was sick and bored and I got playing about with Avid and I made this funny little thing:

Nam Le's DBSK Final fanfic

Four billions six hundred millions year ago, in the universe, there were a planet called Earth

Two billions four hundred million years ago, there were something called organism appeared on the Earth

Then two million four hundred thousand years ago, human finally occurred on the ground

Standing in the middle of vehicle flows, stopping among the crowds surfing in hurry, there are too many people passed me by, but how many of them can remember the person that they just met for few seconds then separate. Somehow, people even cannot remember something that used to be very important to them. When they are unable to keep it, they usually force themselves to forget. And people, who are forgotten? Wondering are they still feeling happy even being forgotten was what they wanted.

Love can bring happiness but it also hurt deeply. But people need it, want it, craving for it. That is how life is going, rights conflicts rights….

Jaejoong and Yunho is a gay couple. They have been together for 8 years, even it is not such a long time but during the whole period, there is always a person who runs and the other following. In that chase, it is so hard to see whether real love exists or not.

Yunho is a very tall and strong handsome guy with small smiling eyes which make him looks like a fool sometimes. His partner, Jaejoong is a pretty boy who always hates his modest height. He also is an inward and thinking-too-much person. Once, a friend asked Yunho and Jaejoong:  “why can you guys come to each other?”

Remembering that time make Yunho cannot stop laughing why Jaejoong is extremely shy then pulling Yunho’s hand for escaping….

-          Jaejoong ahh, tell me. Why did you decide to stay with me?

-          Stop pretending Yunho. It was embarrassing though…

-          Haha isn’t it because of my charm?

-          Sigh, do not forget that you were the one who kept following me everywhere

-          Really???

-          Yessssss, you were really annoying. Coming and expressing your love to me every day. There was no way for me to deny

-          Haha that’s right, but tell me….do you love me now?

-          Stop it, Yunho. Will tell you when we’re home…

-          Don’t Jaejoongie, tell me now

-          No wayyyyyy

-          Stop Jaejoongie. Don’t run

-          Can you accept me please? I really like you… like you so much…

-          Sorry, even I am gay but I do not like you

It was 8 years ago; Jaejoong and Yunho were in same high school class, except sometimes saying hi, they seem to have no involvement to each other. After class, when Yunho enjoys playing football, Jaejoong just only stays in the library for reading. But suddenly one day, Yunho pulled Jaejoong to the school terrace for expressing his love, making Jaejoong turned panicking. The biggest difference between them is Jaejoong who is always careful but indecisive. In his old-thinking, he always assums that the same-sex love is unaccepted in high school so refusing Yunho was the best way. Thought that only one time being refused can make Yunho totally forgetting Jaejoong but he still came again the next day. He did the same thing in the same place and got the same result. One week has 7 days, one month has 31 days, and one year has 365 days, Yunho confesses every single day. Finally, Jaejoong was used to Yunho’s appearance, waiting for him coming every day and he knew that he was really falling in love with this fool.

-          I like you so much, can you become my boyfriend?

-          Hmmm, ok. But I have requirement..

-          I can do whatever you want…

-          This is our secret. You cannot tell anyone about this relationship. Otherwise…..everything will end

-          Deal

Getting the desired answer, Yunho was extremely happy, he could not help him hugging and kissing Jaejoong rolling on the ground many times.

-          How could you be patient to me for that long time?

-          Patient? For what?

-          Your confession….

-          It was my first time; I was extremely nervous and shy….

-          Your first?

-          Yesss

This was Jaejoong’s question after their first bed time, it really surprised him. After such a long time, Jaejoong finally knows that Yunho having one kind of sickness that cannot be treated. Yunho will always forget all the facts that he does not want to remember or face to, it was like all Jaejoong’s refuses before. When facing Yunho’s upset face in the hospital, Jaejoong really wanted to hug him and tell that everything will be fine but he did not do anything as he was afraid of other people’s eyes. He tells himself that tomorrow Yunho cannot remember anything that the doctor said today. That day, the rain fell so hard like crying for Yunho’s sorrow and Jaejoong could only follow him to his house. They started living together from there.

Jaejoong rarely says that he loves Yunho, but his eager boyfriend always says proudly:” Without love, no man can accept the fact that they have to lie under another man’s body then accept things which are not belong to them. So Jaejoong truly loves me”

But somehow, if people can just ignore the truth and living in lies, they will stay away from hurts and sadness…..

The happiness of Yunho and Jaejoong still remains until they graduate from the university; Jaejoong has a very attractive offer which is becoming Marketing director of a local business. About Yunho, as he does not want to work for his family’s company so he decides to keep doing research in the university.

-          Let’s marry Jaejoong ahh…

-          ……

-          Marry me, ok?

-          We…. Aren’t we so good like this?

-          ……

Jaejoong is denying Yunho’s proposal for the first time. But deep inside, Jaejoong knows that Yunho want to give him a true family, a family only for himself, but Jaejoong is just really scared to explore his real sexuality. He thinks that if everyone knows about this, he can lose his current position. As a very timid person, Jaejoong just cannot stand this risk. Knowing that tomorrow Yunho is going to forget everythings, Jaejoong should be happy as he thought. But after seeing Yunho’s smilling face the next day, seeing his boyfriend really forget yesterday’s proposal, Jaejoong suddenly feels depressed. By times pass by, Jaejoong becomes a high-temper person, always wants to treat Yunho sickness. He takes Yunho to every hospital, seeing all the best psychiatrists in town, trying each treatment. Until, Jaejoong just realise that actually he really cares about this man, afraid of losing him.

-          Jaejoong, why do you force me for treatment?

-          ….. Because it is good for you

-          But I do not feel any inconvenience, bad things should be forgotten

-          …..

-          Jaejoong, can’t I drink these bills?

-          No, you have to….

-          Why? They are really useless

-          You want to stay in that world? Always forget and no way to adapt with outside world?

-          I really do not understand you anymore…..

-          It does not matter, you just need to drink all these bills

It is the very first time they argued since they started living together

-          If I change into a person that you don’t want anymore, will you forget me?

-          …..

-          Answer me Yunho…

-          Na, I will never forget you as Jaejoong is the one that I always think about, the one that I want to remember the most….

That night, they hug each other tightly to feel the warm, Yunho keeps whispering next to Jaejoong that he never going to forget this love. This makes Jaejoong tears cannot stop falling down. That year, Jaejoong was twenty four and Yunho was twenty five.

They have lived together for 8 years; everything went good so far except the problem with Yunho’s memories. Jaejoong has got the director position while Yunho has come back to his family’s company. From a very tiny apartment, they now have moved into a big villa, from warming up other each night now turning into sleeping separately. Yunho used to say that they are still in love so deep; it is just because of time making we forget passions.

A too peaceful life cannot stand a big storm, Yunho’s parents suddenly know about the relationship between their son and Jaejoong. They turns so angry and then exploded with an intense argument with Yunho. However, the agreement cannot be unified as Yunho keeps staying next to his boyfriend, ignoring all the things his parents said. One month later, Jaejoong come back home with a depressing face, he was dismissed as many people came to his company and defame his personality and telling colleague that he is gay. His parents also know about this, they are shock then deciding to cut off the relationship with him. Many bad things are coming at the same really break Jaejoong down. Now a workaholic like Jaejoong just stays at home all days, doing nothing turns him into a strange and high-temper person. Jaejoong can suddenly prevent Yunho from going to work, forcing him doing anything Jaejoong want, asking him repeating “I love you” hundreds times per day. Facing his boyfriend’s silly face, Yunho only smiles then follows everything he is told to do.

-          Do you love me?

-          Yes

-          How deep is it?

-          Love you until you do not need me anymore

-          If I never want to let you go?

-          So I will stay right here forever…

-          ….. but if I want you to forget me?

-          ……

-          If…..If….

-          ……Sleep now Jaejoong

-          ….Ok

Because of Yunho scandal, his company stock drops fastly making his parents worried. They have to find and talk to Jaejoong, then asking him to leave Yunho with a huge amount of money, a flight ticket to America in exchange.

-          You will never ever accept right Jaejoong?

Yunho cannot hold his temper, screaming out loud while Jaejoong only keeps silent

-          You love me right? So just forget all these things ok Jaejoong?

-          Love? So funny. Can love bring money?

-          It cannot, but I can. I will give you everything I have

-          But, if you forget me? If one day you love someone else? Will I be starving and lying on the street?

-          No, I will never forget you and you know how much I love you….

-          You love me but you cannot give me all the things I need. I want to be confident, walking on the street with a director-card visit. I want to create my own career, not using your money, your success. Don’t you understand? I am a man too

-          So you accept this money?

-          …..

-          You will give up, won’t you?

-          …….

-          Answer me NOW

-          Yunho, don’t force me

-          It’s you who forcing yourself. All is your choice.

-          I….I….

-          Tell me right now. If you want all of these, I can give them all to you. Not from my parents

-          …..

-          Do you need them?

-          Nooooooooooooo, I do not need anything. All I want is you can forget me, everything of us. I want a normal life, just like when you has not come and mixed it up. I am just a man who is craving for a simple family with a woman, having my own children, not a love that get others’ contempt

Looking at Yunho’s face, Jaejoong finally regrets of what he just said but he just cannot fix it anymore. He really hurt his lover, the one who always stays next to him. But this is things that Jaejoong want to tell Yunho long time ago, they are no high school students always dream of a bright future anymore. They all grew up, having future to worry of

-          Yunho, it has been 8 years and I am exhausted. I cannot continue with this anymore. Thought that I can accept these facts but they are really harsh. I have to observe everybody around, always afraid that they can discover that I do not have a girlfriend bur boyfriend. I am not like you; there is no way for me to ignore others’ eyes.

-          …..

-          I am too exhausted now, thought that I could force myself accepting this fact but suddenly your parents came, making me realise the weakness and inferiority inside.

-          Is it my fault by making you like this?

-          …….

-          Is it my love hurting you?

-          ……

-          ……

They both stand there and look at other silently; Yunho can see tear in Jaejoong’s eyes is nearly falling down. He knows that Jaejoong never shows his weakness to anyone, even him…

That day, Jaejoong can only looked at Yunho’s back from the window, seeing him walk away. It was still the man he loves but somehow he can only feel the sadness surrounding him. Long time after, there is a friend knowing about this day, and asking Jaejoong: “Have you ever loved Yunho?”

Jaejoong just only says: “I did, because of loving him, every day I was scared that next day when he wakes up, he would forget me…”

-          So why did you give up?

-          …..

-          …..

-          As love is too deep but tired, then it only hurt each other

-          …..

-          Love of gay is just like a necklace. When it is abandoned by reality, we will be proud of its spark and brilliance, but once the reality comes, the beautiful necklace will turn into a chain tiding up our neck. All we can do is waiting until suffocation as love is strangled by reality….Who will accept this kind of love in this society?

-          ….

-          ….

Three days late, Jaejoong left the city that he has lived for twenty five years with one of Yunho’s clothes. In those three days, Yunho came back home.

Love for Yunho really was engraved on Jaejoong’s heart. But now, all the memories need to be locked and Jaejoong knew that he would not be able to take his Yunho back….

The airplane flew Jaejoong away, leaving behind the sky is torn by himself.

3 years later.

It is still that busy road, busy people leaving in rush, as the requirement of employment, Jaejoong has to come back the city that he lived before. Standing in the crossroad, it is such a strange but familiar feeling. On this road, Jaejoong and Yunho used to look in each other’s eyes, go playing around like children, whisper in others’ ears “ I love you” during winter night.

Used to….

Suddenly a couple run through, by turning head, Jaejoong can see a familiar back of a person that he can never forget….

-          Yunho, it’s Jaejoong

-          Jaejoong?

-          Yea, he used to be your high school friend and…

-          Who is him?

-          Right there….

-          Am I close to him?

-          Yes….

-          Haha, I don’t know. Maybe he already forgot me, if not, why did not he call me back?

-          So you already forgot him too?

-          Haha, yes I did

-          ……

The two persons keep walking away, only Jaejoong stand there, looking at Yunho’s back like a day of many years ago. Then he can only keep laughing….like a silly person

-          Yunho, will you forget me??

-          Na, I won’t, if you can still remember what you said..

-          So do you love me?

-          I do

-          How deep is your love?

-          Loving you so deep until you want me to forget you….

-          If I never let you forget me?

-          So I will keep loving you till death separates us….

 Cars are passing in rush, crowded noise is everywhere, while the wind is blowing small sand grains up….